nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
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Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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