you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
