Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
