Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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