i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
