i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
