i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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