the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
