She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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