Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
