I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
