She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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