Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
