I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
