and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
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I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
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The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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