there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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