On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We don't watch enough power rangers
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
