just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
