do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
