I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
