When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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