I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
