i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
