my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
