i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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