Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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