she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
