I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
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You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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