I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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