Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
this hospital has no fireball
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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