I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
