note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
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Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
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you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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