I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
