He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
