Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Send help, water and tortillas.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
