My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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