Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
