Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
