so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
