Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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