sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
