She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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