I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
