Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
