dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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