God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
