I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I pour the whiskey from now on
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
