I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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