It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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