2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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