This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
