so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
